One of the biggest complaints I get from women is that they’re significant other is that it drives them nuts when her man won’t admit he’s wrong. It’s certainly not a new thing, men have been in charge (a self-imposed rule, mind you) for thousands of years. After that long, many of us think, or want you to think, that whatever we say is the truth and should not be questioned. It’s an archaic and demeaning stance to take, but unfortunately, it’s one of those stereotypes that is based off of real observations. So, what do you do? How do you deal with this? I’ll explain the two main reasons why most men are so stubborn and then hopefully give you good tips on dealing with, and perhaps breaking, this annoying habit.
Men, by nature, like to be right. In fact, there are some of us out there who are so devoted to trying to be right all the time, that they will blatantly ignore the fact that they’re wrong and continue to state their case steadfastly. No matter what happens in the conversation, they will not say they are wrong and they will not apologize. Why do men do this? Well, it can happen for one of two reasons, either A) The guy really, truly believes he’s right, or B) He’s come to grips with the fact that he’s not right, but physically cannot bring himself to admit it.
The mind is a wonderful and dangerous machine that not even the most well-trained machinist can truly control. For example, sometimes men are so blinded by their commitment to their infallibility that they can’t even see when they’re wrong. For example, I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey with a friend a few weeks ago. I’m not going to lie, dude’s not the brightest bulb. I know that, I’ve accepted that as part of his personality. We’re about 20 minutes into the movie when it gets to the part where they’re suddenly living in outer space. My friend, we shall call him Hicktown Harry, says to me, “Wow, we’re already in 2009 and we still don’t have people living in outer space. Kinda makes you wonder if it’ll ever happen.” I sat there trying to form words, but I couldn’t, I was too stunned. After a minute Harry looks over and says to me, “What?” Trying to have tact, I asked, “Harry, you know there are people living in outer space right now, right?” He shot me a confused and offended look, (taking offense is often the response when a man is challenged intellectually, but that’s for another entry) “No there aren’t. Don’t you think I would have heard about that?” “Yes, I do think you would have heard about it after about 30 years, but apparently you haven’t.” The conversation degenerated from there. Harry arguing over and over that the media would be covering this amazing feat on a daily basis if there were people living in space. Me arguing that they did when they first went up there in the 1970s, but it’s 2009 and it’s kind of old news now. These days, you can prove a point pretty quickly using the internet, so I go look up NASA’s website and show him the live feed coming from the International Space Station. To this new, rather irrefutable evidence, Harry exclaimed, “You made that up! You made that up! There’s no way this is real! The media would be covering it daily!” Harry truly believed that I was playing one huge prank on him. In Harry’s head, apparently, I had created an entire website devoted to the International Space Station, made up a well documented history of man’s excursions into space, and somehow created a live, streaming video feed showing, my only guess is someone in my closet floating around tinkering with equipment. To this day Harry still has not admitted that he is wrong, or that there are people living in space. I’m not sure if he still thinks I’m playing a prank on him, or if he’s actually looked into it and realized that the International Space Station is inhabited by humans and just refuses to admit his error.
Which brings me to the second kind of men: the kind who have come to grips with the fact that they’re not always right, but can’t bear the thought of admitting it to anyone but themself. These are the men that you can at least talk to and have a real conversation with about things because they have the cognitive capacity to see beyond their own beliefs and understand other people’s points. That doesn’t mean they’re willing to admit it when they see they’re wrong. My friend Manly Mick is one of these guys. He’s a good guy. Extremely loyal, smart enough to know when to back out of a no win situation, but not quite smart enough to know that admitting a mistake and apologizing is the best way to win people’s favor. He and I have talked about this subject and he’s told me, flat-out, “There are times when I know I was wrong, that I did or said something I shouldn’t have, but I never apologize. Never.” When pressed on why, “Because I don’t apologize. I just don’t.” Manly Mick is clearly a good guy, just a little too proud to admit his mistakes. He’s aware that he should, but he won’t do it on principle.
So, what do you do when your man is being stubborn and stupid? I’ve heard some women say that you just have to massage the oh so fragile male ego and give in. I personally don’t buy into it because I hate giving in just to save people the psychic pain, but it’s an option. I’ve heard other women who say stand your ground until the very end, you’re just as good and smart as he is, take his own tactics and throw them right back at him. I’m more inclined to agree with this stance, but this tact also invites an endless circle of fighting that will likely destroy a relationship. To me, how you handle these situations depends on the kind of man you’re dealing with.
If you’re talking to Hicktown Harry, I’d say you’re probably SOL. In every reasonable person’s life, there are times when you just know you can’t win no matter what happens. Harry’s the kind of guy that rule doesn’t apply to. So that then leaves you two options: A) Learn to live with Harry’s stubborn abidance to his believe in his own way of thinking, or B) Leave the moron. Which one you decide depends on your priorities and Harry’s other attributes. How important is it to you to have your opinions and arguments validated? If it’s up pretty high on the list, you have to really think about what Harry’s other attributes are and whether he’s worth the frustration and fights. If you decide to stay with Harry, that’s fine, probably a good choice. In fact, once you accept those flaws as a part of who that person is, it makes them a lot easier to deal with. Just be true to yourself, if Harry’s constant inability to admit he’s in the wrong bothers you a lot, do something about it.
As for Manly Mick, he’s a guy you might actually be able to show the light…Well, you’ll probably at least be able to talk to him about it. Unlike Harry, Mick’s the type of guy you can probably have a meta-conversation with, you know, talk about what you’re really talking about. I can be a bit of a brash guy, so in the middle of a fight or argument where I think Mick is just blatantly wrong and is being stupidly stubborn, I like to call gun him on it. You say, “Mick, you know you’re being really dumb and stubborn right now?” That at least opens the conversation up so that you can talk about your communication patterns, which might eventually lead to Mick realizing that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes, and that admitting it is the kindest and most reasonable thing to do.
The real thing I hope you take out of this is that if you have a man who can admit when he’s in the wrong and has made a mistake, cherish it. Embrace that for what it is, a true miracle. Most importantly, encourage the behavior to continue. When a man does admit that you were right, give him a huge and a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate his honesty. Maybe even give him a piece of his favorite candy.
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